Amazed

I am actually amazed that those old feelings of wanting another baby can still come around even after everything I've been through. I went to visit a friend today that just had identical twin boys. They are precious. Tiny, soft hair, sleeping soundly precious angels. It made me sad to think that I would never have another one.
    Before I go on though let me recap my medical history so you can understand what I'm saying. I have had 4 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy. The whole time all I could think about was what was wrong with me? I was healthy and always took my prenatal vitamins. I even started taking them before I even got pregnant. Then while I was going through all of the miscarriages, a friend of mine would be having a baby, which meant baby shower's, which meant shopping for baby stuff. It was really heartbreaking to see them so excited about their new little girl because I wanted a little girl. I have three beautiful boys who I am so grateful for. But I always thought that having a little girl would complete the picture somehow.
     With the ectopic pregnancy I was sick. I almost passed out from the pain it caused and they had to terminate the pregnancy with a shot called Mexotrethate.Wicked stuff. They actually asked me is I wanted to abort the baby. I wanted to vomit from the sheer shock of having to make that decision. I didn't want to abort anything. I had contractions for 6 weeks and couldn't get off the couch the entire time. The pain was excrutiating. After that experience I honestly felt like I couldn't do this to myself anymore. The hope, the fear, the stress, and then ultimately the heartache and disappointment were too hard to bear.
     So it's been about a year and half since the last episode and I actually started to think about it again. My youngest is 4 1/2 so there would be a large gap between them. I always wanted my kids to be close. The other thing is that I was finally diagnosed with PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Your hormones are wacked out and you can't lose weight around your middle very easily. It's a mess. Even if I got pregnant, I don't know if I could keep it. Do I really want to go down that road?
   I am truly amazed that Heavenly Father loved me enough to help me during those difficult times. He actually suppressed those desires so I could get to a place of healing. For the longest time I didn't even want to think about another baby. I just didn't feel like there was another waiting. But now these thoughts are creeping back in and I think that it might be okay this time. Maybe.I'm still fighting it though. My husband would be ecstatic if I told him that I wanted to start trying again. Too bad I gave all of my baby stuff away.