Lately I have been going through some stressful things and my body hates me. I am on my 3rd round of antibiotics for whatever this is and I'm tired. At first it was an upper respiratory infection and now it's a kidney infection with allergies. I need a little down time from all of the stress and craziness so my poor white blood cell count can come back and keep me healthy!
Today I had a friend come over and apologize for something that happened to me that she was apart of. I didn't expect it and it was nice to hear it and I felt peace again. I felt like a really terrible book I had been reading was finally done and I could close it and put it away. It was wonderful. The rest of my day has been more peaceful and I feel more equipped to handle things.
I want this feeling to hang around for a bit. It's lovely to not have a monkey on your back constantly reminding you to be mad at someone. Or to feel hurt every time that person is around. Feeling that way constantly is exhausting and I think my body was reacting to it. It was saying ," Get Over IT!"
I want to get healthy. I want to get into a swimsuit and not worry about what I look like in it. Will that day ever happen? I have skinny friends who think they look awful all of the time. I want to feel good and fit into my clothes. That's it.
I have a month until our trip to Mexico. Yep. I have to go to a completely different country before I will put on a swimsuit in front of anyone. :) I' m really excited to go and relax and hang with my friend and her kids and my family. Hopefully no stress or drama and we can come back feeling refreshed and like we actually had a vacation.
We actually have a pretty busy summer ahead of us. End of May is Prescott, beginning of June is Mexico,
4th of July is Payson, and Prescott in between those times, and maybe another trip with friends? We'll see. We may be partied out by then.:)
I am looking forward to our summer schedule and all of the fun that we are going to have this year. I am super grateful for that and I know that Heavenly Father is aware of us and our needs.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Mothers Far and Wide
I would like to write a little something to all of those mothers out there far and wide. We have been through a lot. Whether it's the horrendous loss of one of our own children, or never getting to fully mother our own children, or just raising our own children. It's a lot. I want to write a little bit about my own experience in mothering.
At 18 years old I was married. My husband and I were really excited to start out own family so we tried to get pregnant right away. A few months after getting married I found out that I was pregnant! We were ecstatic! I was working full time at the time and at 8 weeks pregnant I had a miscarriage. I went through the whole ultrasound / DNC laproscopic stuff and had a horrible recovery. I took a week off of work to recuperate and was fired shortly after.
We waited the appropriate time to try again and we couldn't get pregnant. We were 2 weeks away from a doctors appointment to put me on Clomid before I found out that I was pregnant with Dillon. We were cautiously optimistic and waited until 10 weeks to tell everyone. It was an awesome pregnancy. I worked full time until 1 week before my due date. I was able to get the nursery set up and all of his tiny clothes washed and put away. The delivery was great, minus the episiotomy. Nursing was terrible and I became cracked and bleeding. I pumped and then did bottles with formula. Dillon has been an amazing kid. He is intelligent and wants to know everything about everything. He loves to read, ride horses, and fish. He's responsible and I can always count on him to help me out.
Shane was born 22 months to the day after Dillon. Again, amazing pregnancy and amazing delivery. Shane was our easygoing child. He hardly cried and was generally happy. He loves to have fun and make everyone around him laugh. He is always singing to himself. He hates to do chores and always tries to talk his brothers into doing them for him. He tries really hard in everything he does and is so sweet and caring about everyone.
Ty was born 2 1/2 years after Shane. I had actual morning sickness with Ty. His pregnancy was miserable and by the time it came for him to be delivered, I was ready. The doctor decided to keep me in labor for way too long with pittossan running through me. I had him within 20 min of my water being broken and was so relieved. He was tiny though. 5 lbs. 4 oz. My smallest one. If scared me to look at him. I had done the exact same things during this pregnancy as the others and he came out smaller. I ended getting severe post partum depression after the delivery. I couldn't take care of anyone or anything. Thank heavens for my mom and mother in law.
In 2009 I had 3 miscarriages. 1 ended being an ectopic. I almost passed out at home and my husband had to get me to the E.R. where they saw it on an ultrasound. I was 14 weeks. They gave me a shot called Mexotrethate which aborted the baby. They asked me in the hospital if I wanted surgery to remove the baby and my tube or just abort the fetus, I felt disgusting. We had tried for so long to have another one and now they are asking me if I want to abort it? What a hideous word. I couldn't understand how they could be so non chalant about the whole thing. Didn't they realize that we wanted this baby? I know that I would have died if they hadn't taken care of it, but with that shot came the reality that this pregnancy hadn't happened either. So for 6 weeks I laid on my couch having contractions as my body reabsorbed the little baby we wanted. It was horrible.
So here I am 2 years later and wanting one more. I can't get pregnant. My hormones are out of whack and I can't get them back on track without expensive treatments or unnatural methods. I am at a loss. To get what I need at a homeopathic store it would cost me $150 a month. I don't know anyone who has that much money extra laying around every month. It's sad and frustrating because I know those homeopathic remedies would do the trick. So I'm thinking that maybe Heavenly Father hasn't cleared a path for me to buy those things because............take a deep breath..............maybe I'm not supposed to have anymore kids. I was okay with that after my ectopic because I was so scared. But now that some time has passed I would love to have a little girl. Even if I was given another little boy I would love them too. It's agonizing to think that there is another spirit waiting to be here in our family and I can't make it happen.
My husband has said to me that he feels like there is another waiting. Ugh. No pressure. My body is not working right and I can't do anything about it. And no we are not going to adopt. He doesn' t like the idea. So here I am near mother's day thinking about all of the babies I have lost and how I can't have anymore and about how I can do better with the one's I have.
We all have stories about our motherhood experiences and I love to know that I'm not the only one going through hard things. So that's my story in a nutshell.
At 18 years old I was married. My husband and I were really excited to start out own family so we tried to get pregnant right away. A few months after getting married I found out that I was pregnant! We were ecstatic! I was working full time at the time and at 8 weeks pregnant I had a miscarriage. I went through the whole ultrasound / DNC laproscopic stuff and had a horrible recovery. I took a week off of work to recuperate and was fired shortly after.
We waited the appropriate time to try again and we couldn't get pregnant. We were 2 weeks away from a doctors appointment to put me on Clomid before I found out that I was pregnant with Dillon. We were cautiously optimistic and waited until 10 weeks to tell everyone. It was an awesome pregnancy. I worked full time until 1 week before my due date. I was able to get the nursery set up and all of his tiny clothes washed and put away. The delivery was great, minus the episiotomy. Nursing was terrible and I became cracked and bleeding. I pumped and then did bottles with formula. Dillon has been an amazing kid. He is intelligent and wants to know everything about everything. He loves to read, ride horses, and fish. He's responsible and I can always count on him to help me out.
Shane was born 22 months to the day after Dillon. Again, amazing pregnancy and amazing delivery. Shane was our easygoing child. He hardly cried and was generally happy. He loves to have fun and make everyone around him laugh. He is always singing to himself. He hates to do chores and always tries to talk his brothers into doing them for him. He tries really hard in everything he does and is so sweet and caring about everyone.
Ty was born 2 1/2 years after Shane. I had actual morning sickness with Ty. His pregnancy was miserable and by the time it came for him to be delivered, I was ready. The doctor decided to keep me in labor for way too long with pittossan running through me. I had him within 20 min of my water being broken and was so relieved. He was tiny though. 5 lbs. 4 oz. My smallest one. If scared me to look at him. I had done the exact same things during this pregnancy as the others and he came out smaller. I ended getting severe post partum depression after the delivery. I couldn't take care of anyone or anything. Thank heavens for my mom and mother in law.
In 2009 I had 3 miscarriages. 1 ended being an ectopic. I almost passed out at home and my husband had to get me to the E.R. where they saw it on an ultrasound. I was 14 weeks. They gave me a shot called Mexotrethate which aborted the baby. They asked me in the hospital if I wanted surgery to remove the baby and my tube or just abort the fetus, I felt disgusting. We had tried for so long to have another one and now they are asking me if I want to abort it? What a hideous word. I couldn't understand how they could be so non chalant about the whole thing. Didn't they realize that we wanted this baby? I know that I would have died if they hadn't taken care of it, but with that shot came the reality that this pregnancy hadn't happened either. So for 6 weeks I laid on my couch having contractions as my body reabsorbed the little baby we wanted. It was horrible.
So here I am 2 years later and wanting one more. I can't get pregnant. My hormones are out of whack and I can't get them back on track without expensive treatments or unnatural methods. I am at a loss. To get what I need at a homeopathic store it would cost me $150 a month. I don't know anyone who has that much money extra laying around every month. It's sad and frustrating because I know those homeopathic remedies would do the trick. So I'm thinking that maybe Heavenly Father hasn't cleared a path for me to buy those things because............take a deep breath..............maybe I'm not supposed to have anymore kids. I was okay with that after my ectopic because I was so scared. But now that some time has passed I would love to have a little girl. Even if I was given another little boy I would love them too. It's agonizing to think that there is another spirit waiting to be here in our family and I can't make it happen.
My husband has said to me that he feels like there is another waiting. Ugh. No pressure. My body is not working right and I can't do anything about it. And no we are not going to adopt. He doesn' t like the idea. So here I am near mother's day thinking about all of the babies I have lost and how I can't have anymore and about how I can do better with the one's I have.
We all have stories about our motherhood experiences and I love to know that I'm not the only one going through hard things. So that's my story in a nutshell.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Grateful for my fabulous mother
I need to give a shout out to my amazing mother! Not only has been my own personal cheering section for the last 31 years of my life, but she actually gets me because I am just like her. We have a lot of the same personalty traits and I am so grateful for that.
My MOM!
She is a tamer of unruly homes, wrangler of grandchildren, snazzy dresser, mender of broken hearts, cheerer of everyone, fire putter outer, sense maker, truth speaker, hard worker, God fearing. She is a confident, strong, crap putter upper, patient, vocal, sweet,lovely, kind, and a fabulous human being.
She has developed her talents over the years and is not afraid to use them for the better good. She loves to give service, but it's done quietly and graciously. She loves her family and friends fiercely and wants to see the good in everyone.
I love my mom. She is the best friend anyone could ask for and I hope to be the same for her. Thank you mom for all of the talks and therapy sessions and for telling me that I'm normal.
My MOM!
She is a tamer of unruly homes, wrangler of grandchildren, snazzy dresser, mender of broken hearts, cheerer of everyone, fire putter outer, sense maker, truth speaker, hard worker, God fearing. She is a confident, strong, crap putter upper, patient, vocal, sweet,lovely, kind, and a fabulous human being.
She has developed her talents over the years and is not afraid to use them for the better good. She loves to give service, but it's done quietly and graciously. She loves her family and friends fiercely and wants to see the good in everyone.
I love my mom. She is the best friend anyone could ask for and I hope to be the same for her. Thank you mom for all of the talks and therapy sessions and for telling me that I'm normal.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Introvert or extrovert?
That is my question for the day. I am both. I have days where all I want to do is hang with my good girl friends and eat good food. Then there are days where all I want to do is lay in bed and watch some good T.V. Today is one of those latter days.
My allergies are kicking up, I have laundry overflowing my laundry room, and a filthy house that desperately needs to be cleaned. Mentally, I know that I need to get up and get all of these things done today. But physically and spiritually, I could give a crap. I feel like I've had the stuffing knocked out of me and I have NO desire to be pressured, pushed, or guilt tripped into anything that I don't want to do today. So tough luck everybody.
My goal for this weekend is to get all of this stuff done, relax for an appropriate amount of time, and be happy when my family comes home. That is my goal. We'll see if it actually happens. Here's hoping.
My allergies are kicking up, I have laundry overflowing my laundry room, and a filthy house that desperately needs to be cleaned. Mentally, I know that I need to get up and get all of these things done today. But physically and spiritually, I could give a crap. I feel like I've had the stuffing knocked out of me and I have NO desire to be pressured, pushed, or guilt tripped into anything that I don't want to do today. So tough luck everybody.
My goal for this weekend is to get all of this stuff done, relax for an appropriate amount of time, and be happy when my family comes home. That is my goal. We'll see if it actually happens. Here's hoping.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Easter!!!!!!
We had an amazing Easter this year! It was truly fun and happy and the kids had a blast.
The weekend before Easter we celebrated with my family. We went to the Renaissance Fair and had dinner and an Easter egg hunt at the house. We spent time with family and relaxed. On Easter weekend we went to Mr. D's parents house. There was so much food! Way more than everyone could eat which made it nice for leftovers. The kids played with their cousins and 2nd cousins and had an awesome Easter egg hunt. We had about 100 people there! A baby goat was born and everyone got to watch. Too many neat things for one day I tell ya!
We went to sacrament meeting. I was grateful for that. I really needed to hear the things that were said and they gave me a different perspective about what's been happening in my life lately. It gave me more peace. I was able to realize that the Lord overcame everything. All of our sorrows and pain and he understands us. What a comfort that is. I am grateful for the Savior and his sacrifice for me and my piddly everyday problems.
The weekend before Easter we celebrated with my family. We went to the Renaissance Fair and had dinner and an Easter egg hunt at the house. We spent time with family and relaxed. On Easter weekend we went to Mr. D's parents house. There was so much food! Way more than everyone could eat which made it nice for leftovers. The kids played with their cousins and 2nd cousins and had an awesome Easter egg hunt. We had about 100 people there! A baby goat was born and everyone got to watch. Too many neat things for one day I tell ya!
We went to sacrament meeting. I was grateful for that. I really needed to hear the things that were said and they gave me a different perspective about what's been happening in my life lately. It gave me more peace. I was able to realize that the Lord overcame everything. All of our sorrows and pain and he understands us. What a comfort that is. I am grateful for the Savior and his sacrifice for me and my piddly everyday problems.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Be Gentle
Be Gentle. That is my thought for the day. No matter what you are going through at the moment be gentle. Be gentle in the way that you speak to others. Be gentle in the way that you treat your friends and their feelings. Be gentle with your spouse for their feelings and thoughts should be treated at carefully and gently as possible for they matter the most. Be gentle to your children. They are watching you.
The last few days have been rough for me. Some people were not very gentle with my feelings. I may come off as secure and confident but I have an insecure side like everyone does. It's been a rough couple of days. I hope that whoever reads this post will really think before they speak and act and treat others the way that they would like to be treated. Because what it really comes down to, is that you don't know what that other person is going through or what happens to them behind their closed doors at home.
Be good
Be kind
Be aware
Be Amazing to someone
The last few days have been rough for me. Some people were not very gentle with my feelings. I may come off as secure and confident but I have an insecure side like everyone does. It's been a rough couple of days. I hope that whoever reads this post will really think before they speak and act and treat others the way that they would like to be treated. Because what it really comes down to, is that you don't know what that other person is going through or what happens to them behind their closed doors at home.
Be good
Be kind
Be aware
Be Amazing to someone
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