Mothers Far and Wide

I would like to write a little something to all of those mothers out there far and wide. We have been through a lot. Whether it's the horrendous loss of one of our own children, or never getting to fully mother our own children, or just raising our own children. It's a lot. I want to write a little bit about my own experience in mothering.

At 18 years old I was married. My husband and I were really excited to start out own family so we tried to get pregnant right away. A few months after getting married I found out that I was pregnant! We were ecstatic! I was working full time at the time and at 8 weeks pregnant I had a miscarriage. I went through the whole ultrasound / DNC laproscopic stuff and had a horrible recovery. I took a week off of work to recuperate and was fired shortly after.

We waited the appropriate time to try again and we couldn't get pregnant. We were 2 weeks away from a doctors appointment to put me on Clomid before I found out that I was pregnant with Dillon. We were cautiously optimistic and waited until 10 weeks to tell everyone. It was an awesome pregnancy. I worked full time until 1 week before my due date. I was able to get the nursery set up and all of his tiny clothes washed and put away. The delivery was great, minus the episiotomy. Nursing was terrible and I became cracked and bleeding. I pumped and then did bottles with formula. Dillon has been an amazing kid. He is intelligent and wants to know everything about everything. He loves to read, ride horses, and fish. He's responsible and I can always count on him to help me out.

Shane was  born 22 months to the day after Dillon. Again, amazing pregnancy and amazing delivery. Shane was our easygoing child. He hardly cried and was generally happy. He loves to have fun and make everyone around him laugh. He is always singing to himself. He hates to do chores and always tries to talk his brothers into doing them for him. He tries really hard in everything he does and is so sweet and caring about everyone.

Ty was born 2 1/2 years after Shane. I had actual morning sickness with Ty. His pregnancy was miserable and by the time it came for him to be delivered, I was ready. The doctor decided to keep me in labor for way too long with pittossan running through me. I had him within 20 min of my water being broken and was so relieved. He was tiny though. 5 lbs. 4 oz. My smallest one. If scared me to look at him. I had done the exact same things during this pregnancy as the others and he came out smaller. I ended getting severe post partum depression after the delivery. I couldn't take care of anyone or anything. Thank heavens for my mom and mother in law.

In 2009 I had 3 miscarriages. 1 ended being an ectopic. I almost passed out at home and my husband had to get me to the E.R. where they saw it on an ultrasound. I was 14 weeks. They gave me a shot called Mexotrethate which aborted the baby. They asked me in the hospital if I wanted surgery to remove the baby and my tube or just abort the fetus, I felt disgusting. We had tried for so long to have another one and now they are asking me if I want to abort it? What a hideous word. I couldn't understand how they could be so non chalant about the whole thing. Didn't they realize that we wanted this baby? I know that I would have died if they hadn't taken care of it, but with that shot came the reality that this pregnancy hadn't happened either.  So for 6 weeks I laid on my couch having contractions as my body reabsorbed the little baby we wanted. It was horrible.

So here I am 2 years later and wanting one more. I can't get pregnant. My hormones are out of whack and I can't get them back on track without expensive treatments or unnatural methods. I am at a loss. To get what I need at a homeopathic store it would cost me $150 a month. I don't know anyone who has that much money extra laying around every month.  It's sad and frustrating because I know those homeopathic remedies would do the trick. So I'm thinking that maybe Heavenly Father hasn't cleared a path for me to buy those things because............take a deep breath..............maybe I'm not supposed to have anymore kids. I was okay with that after my ectopic because I was so scared. But now that some time has passed I would love to have a little girl.  Even if I was given another little boy I would love them too. It's agonizing to think that there is another spirit waiting to be here in our family and I can't make it happen.

My husband has said to me that he feels like there is another waiting. Ugh. No pressure. My body is not working right and I can't do anything about it. And no we are not going to adopt. He doesn' t like the idea. So here  I am near mother's day thinking about all of the babies I have lost and how I can't have anymore and about how I can do better with the one's I have.

We all have stories about our motherhood experiences and I love to know that I'm not the only one going through hard things. So that's my story in a nutshell.